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Gender Power! |
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Bringing you strength for your gender journey... |
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Let me share, so you can get to know me a bit better...
I was born in Southington Connecticut in the Year of the Wood Dragon, which is 1964. We lived at a boarding school for boys, in Avon Connecticut. My father was a Spanish teacher and my mother was a secretary. As dad progressed in his learning and career, we lived in several states, visited foreign countries and ended up living in South Dakota. Our house was one of international love. Culture flourished in our lives. While my father taught me the joy of knowledge and embracing diversity, my mother instilled in me how important it is to be giving and kind. The older I get, the more thankful I am to have had such loving parents. I have one brother who I am also very proud of. He is a children’s educator and entertainer and travels to schools everywhere, even around the world, teaching the value of good character. It is an honor to just be his brother.
At the age of nineteen, I was married to a loving, intelligent and spiritual woman. Though we divorced after 21 years of marriage, we still remain friends and care very much for each other. We led a nice life, had a son together, worked hard at our respective careers, bought a house together, enjoyed our walks in nature together and just spending time holding hands and cuddling on the couch in front of the television. We had a waggy-tailed dog too who could power the world with her love. She sadly died two weeks before our divorce came through. It was from a broken heart I know, but the doctor had diagnosed her with congestive heart failure. Divorce was hard on all of us, but it was something my ex-wife needed as I was coming out as a transgendered woman. She loved me so much, that she had to let me go.
After much inner turmoil over my gender expression, I began counseling once again. I was very blessed to find a kind and loving counselor who was filled with great wisdom, all of which helped me heal my soul. She taught me about balance in such a way, that I could see clearly what I was missing was a deeper sense of spirituality and a deeper sense of emotional honesty.
Being closeted is the curse of many, as it is exhausting and can be quite dysfunctional. In my counseling, I struggled to answer many questions, but there was one that plagued me. The question was, “Should I transition to female?” Over and over I tried to answer this question, but the more I tried, the more I lost myself. I truly suffered in trying to find myself.
It became an irony for me, for it is when we look, we get lost. Instead, we have to unfind ourselves. This was a vital lesson for me. In my suffering though, I could not see this. I thought I had to spend more time in thought, trying to resolve the question, but no matter how much thinking I did, the matter worsened. I told my doctor, “I don’t care if I am an elephant, a cat or a dog—I just want some peace.”
On my way up to South Dakota for Thanksgiving, I stopped at a bookstore looking for an audio book to listen to. I came across the CD I needed. It was one made by Eckhart Tolle, called The Findhorn Retreat: Stillness Amidst the World. That word ‘stillness” struck me like a thunderbolt. Bam! Oh yes, that is what I needed, stillness. It is today yet my favorite word.
The teachings of Tolle are profound. He is now a guest speaker on Oprah as he is so important. Tolle teaches about learning to meditate and get control of our own egos. He discovered one day that he could not live with himself any longer. He brilliantly then asked, “Well who is this self I can not live with?” That self we cannot live with is our own egos, our minds. They think and think. But thinking can be stopped and controlled. It takes great practice, but we can indeed stop thinking, such that no words manifest in our heads. This is so important, because all of our emotional feelings arise from words and symbols that manifest. So to gain control of what you manifest is to gain control of your emotional feelings. This is what many call salvation, you are saved from suffering.
As I learned to control my thinking, to meditate and clear all words from my head, I found so much joy, so much bliss. I understood why Buddha smiles, understood his secret and that to tell it would be to destroy the secret. It was in my joy, that I found I loved to dance. And it was in my dance, that I knew in my heart, what the answer to my question would be. I wanted to transition to female.
So I did. I have to pinch myself sometimes, but I really did it. I have undergone hormone replacement therapy, hair removal, gender reassignment surgery, facial feminization surgery and even breast augmentation. It was quite an ordeal, but I took it one step at a time and made it through all the way. My writing along the way has saved me too, for it helped me release my pain, one poem at a time.
I spent over a year writing, healing my soul deeper and deeper. I also gave back. For years, I was so busy in my career I could do nothing much but give financially here and there. I really needed to help personally, so I volunteered at the Resource Center of Dallas, the Plano International Festival and most importantly at Youth First Texas. I am now a proud board member at the youth center and love spending time with youth. I also love spending time with the new love of my life.
So here I am today, feeling quite blessed at such a wondrous journey. In my joy too, I have decided to help in the healing of our planet in whatever way I can. Massage is but one vehicle for me, as I am a believer in the power of touch, for those ready to receive the love I can share.
I will stop here and invite you to ask more of me however you will. Even if you are not ready for a massage, please do stop by and visit. It is always and forever, an honor to share my story with you and I thank you for taking the time to read so much already.
Namaste’,
Renee Baker
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My Personal Story A Transgender Journey |